约翰·肯尼思·加尔布雷思的管家从来不惮于说“不”。一天，林登·约翰逊总统给加尔布雷思家打电话，希望与这位伟大的经济学家通话。管家说：“他在休息，吩咐过不许打扰他。”约翰逊说：“我是总统，快叫醒他。”管家答道：“对不起，总统先生，可我的东家是加尔布雷思，不是您。”电话随即挂断。 5 S+ n2 z; N) y+ l( g8 e& o" O6 W& U ! g, J" q3 {: a 如果我们也能如此毫不费力地开口拒绝别人该多好。拒绝别人可能会令我们感到尴尬、内疚、不安、窒迫，甚至会损害友谊和事业。哈佛大学的谈判专家威廉·尤里说：“‘不’也许是英语语言当中最有力的词汇，而且可能是最具破坏力的字眼，所以我们很难把这个字说出口。”, ?2 {& r" l6 m% `( H& ]4 m3 y
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他在自己的新书《“不”的积极效果》中探讨了这个难题。由于工作的关系，身为职业谈判专家的尤里曾前往车臣、以色列、尼泊尔和亚齐等冲突多发地区。他在1981年与别人合写的《达成一致》一书令他名声大噪。该书至今仍是调停仲裁和工业心理学等领域的必读书。. f8 p1 ]% ^; i( }; m% {( B
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在《“不” 的积极效果》一书中，尤里着重分析了与“达成一致”相对立的局面，在你想要坚决表示反对的时候，应该怎样行事。尤里写道，人们往往不愿意说“不”，因为这个字凸显了“行使自身权力与照顾人际关系的矛盾”。, m* @: Y/ C% w+ Z3 B
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换言之，就是实现自身需求的短期目标与让互动各方感到满意的矛盾。人们经常会在其中的一方面出错，要么因为注重人际关系而在想说“不”的时候开口应承，要么因为注重自身权利而唐突地说“不”，从而得罪了谈话对象。还有许多人采取了暧昧态度：根本不表态，以致既达不到自己的愿望，又伤了感情。4 f* V/ ]8 }4 U
6 Q1 K& ^% v7 E 尤里认为，比较可取的做法是在两项赞同意见之间穿插一项否定意见。这种做法易于令人接受，在无损人际关系的前提下维护了我们的立场。比如说，你是个在家族企业里工作的孝顺儿子，总是在周末加班。如果你有妻有子，这难免让你觉得有点烦心。 : Y$ @, M3 l# |( a: }/ {/ B* a* k9 I+ a$ V9 t; t1 ^& ?+ K
你去找父亲商量，首先主张自己的利益，然后阐明你的反对意见，最后肯定你与父亲的关系。尤里重点列举了甘地、巴菲特和拉里·伯德的经纪人，认为他们是说“不”的高手。1 I1 _- v8 D+ E7 K L
~/ j" N- L1 Q F5 q' Y! z. n 看过《达成一致》或其他有关谈判的书籍的人会发现，尤里的许多建议并不陌生。最具价值的建议包括：讨论你的目标，而不是实现目标的手段，拟定另一套选择方案，让别人心甘情愿接受你的意见。( B- d; h! U1 N. ?
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尤里还提供了间接拒绝的办法：我宁可拒绝，也不愿意把事情搞砸；我自有计划。当你与最大的客户或者专横的亲戚打交道时，随时可以使用这些托词。 ' C2 `1 P; w/ s1 p0 m( b + @/ B( _9 O1 Q6 s4 E% Z! j+ _9 l 我们凭直觉知道怎样拒绝别人，但出于其他顾虑，我们往往不愿这样做。尤里认为，在这个资讯、选择和需求多于以往的世界里，“该答应的时候要答应”，们为了不必过度紧张或者过度操劳，“我们不得不拒绝其他许多事情”。他指出，只要在拒绝别人的时候采取尊重和果断的态度，结果可能反而会巩固你与对方的关系。 , |4 a9 v p' ]" e4 b5 \& l9 x- C. @- i8 m
时代周刊（作者：芭芭拉·基维亚特）' \3 z9 p, L) y4 |4 v
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Why Almost Everyone Has Trouble Saying No3 A. l7 l* F8 Z
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John Kenneth Gailbraith's housekeeper never had a problem saying no. One day President Lyndon Johnson called the Galbraith house wanting to talk to the great economist, who had lain down for a little shut-eye. "He's taking a nap and has left strict orders not to be disturbed," said the housekeeper. Johnson replied, "Well, I'm the President. Wake him up." The response: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but I work for Mr. Galbraith, not for you." Click. P/ L6 ?, o, r( u4 N
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If only it were that easy for the rest of us. Saying no can be awkward, guilt inducing, nerve racking, embarrassing, even risky to friendship and career. "No may be the most powerful word in the language, but it's also potentially the most destructive, which is why it's hard to say," says William Ury, director of the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard University, who addresses that struggle in his new book, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes. Ury, a professional negotiator whose work has taken him to such conflict-ridden locales as Chechnya, Israel, Nepal and Aceh, Indonesia, is widely known for co-writing the 1981 book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, a volume that remains required reading in fields from mediation to industrial psychology. 5 f' s; P+ [6 A9 ^$ [ 0 @1 d- s2 I3 j! QIn The Power of a Positive No, Ury offers guidance on the flip side of reaching an agreement: how to deal with a situation in which you simply want to put your foot down. No is so often hard to say, Ury writes, because it highlights the "tension between exercising your power and tending to your relationship"--in other words, between getting what you want in the short term and keeping everyone happy for interactions down the road. People often err in one direction or the other, prioritizing either the relationship by saying yes when they long to say no or their own power by brusquely saying no and alienating the person they're dealing with. Then there is the ever popular route of avoidance--saying nothing at all and gaining neither what you want nor goodwill. % h0 @( ?( ~' b+ \$ k& f- [7 [7 e " U' }1 B$ D+ u0 D& W9 cThe better option, according to Ury, is to serve your no sandwiched between two yeses. It will go down more easily and preserve your relationship yet still allow you to take a stand. Say you're a dutiful son who works in the family business and always covers weekend shifts--kind of a drag if you have a wife and kids at home. When you go to talk to Dad, start by saying yes to your own interests (my family needs me), then move on to your no (I can't work weekends anymore) and finish up by saying yes to your relationship with Dad (together, let's figure out how we can get the work done and let me spend time with my family). Ury highlights great no-sayers, from Gandhi to Warren Buffett to Larry Bird's agent.* z) T \, }' ?& x. `0 ~. _
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Anyone who has read Getting to Yes, or almost any other negotiations text, will recognize much of Ury's advice. Classics include focusing on underlying interests instead of positions (discussing what you want instead of the way you've decided to get there), developing another option (what Ury calls Plan B but Yes fans will recognize as BATNA--best alternative to a negotiated agreement) and making it easy for people to agree with you (Ury holds up Disney CEO Bob Iger as a master of letting others save face). Ury also includes ways to say no without saying no--I would rather decline than do a bad job; I have plans--which can be handy whether you're saying no to your best client or your overbearing in-laws.( b3 ?7 q4 w4 t4 B* o) e4 S
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Although we may intuitively understand how to effectively say no, we often don't because of other concerns swirling in our head. Yet today, Ury argues, in a world with more information, more options and more demands for productivity than ever before, the stakes are incredibly high. "To say yes to the right things"--and not be overwhelmed, overworked and generally stressed out--"you have to say no to a lot of other things," Ury says. The payoff, he notes, can be twofold, since delivering a respectful, decisive no can paradoxically strengthen your relationship with the person on the receiving end. " u v% Z, ~6 r6 a9 b: r" M ! z9 K# m3 ~/ I/ q! lJust consider what happened when Galbraith woke from his nap and returned JohnsoN's call. "Who is that woman?" the President asked, inquiring about the housekeeper who had dared tell him no. "I want her working for me."
